Engagement Guide


"Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it."
Maurice Chevalier
Everyone from William Shakespeare to Mickey and Sylvia has said that love is blind. Love does not see with the eye, they say, but with the heart, and if you've ever tried to make it through the stock quotations with your heart, you can see the problem facing so many grooms today. These men, who suddenly find themselves writing poems and attaching them to single yellow roses, worrying about what they look like naked, and shaking baby powder into their underpants, are in no condition to objectively assess the pros and cons of the little gal who's got them in such a dither. Many a man wigged out on male hormones has stumbled up the aisle of love bellowing "I do!" only to wake up six months later with a sebaceous harlot where once there had been a fairy princess. It is a sad story, but for 90 percent of us, it is the story of our lives.
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HER BODY
Basic rule: "Everything gets bigger, hairier, and closer to the ground."
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Some women hold up better than others. Some age and wrinkle, gain weight and distort almost overnight, it seems, while others last for years. Examine the five primary female phyla illustrated below. Determine the one that most resembles your fiancée.
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How She Will Hold Up
Today
Tenth Anniversary
Cute as a button
Fat as a cow
Voluptuous Sex Kitten
Mangy Old Cat
Pixie
Hillbilly
Exotic
Bizarre
Sultry
Swarthy
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HER BREASTS
Breast Declivity as Effected by Age and Volume

 Note the movement of the nipple downward
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THE FIRMNESS TEST
To fully evaluate the long-haul capability of the bosom to retain shape and character, you have to measure the firmness. In the case of full-busted girls, the breakdown of the fibrous tissue connecting the lobes may already be in progress and will accelerate at a disheartening rate after marriage. A small breast that would score well in a droop test and on a cup curve may not have sufficient firmness to retain shape and could become an unsavory "pot-holder"-variety bosom in a short time.
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Her Breasts Are: They are as Firm As: 
Small - 3 points Auto Seat - 3 points
Medium - 2 points Kaiser Roll - 2 points
Large - 1 point Rosin Bag - 1 point
Score Results:
6 points Breasts alone are reason enough to marry her
5 points Breasts and good cheekbones are enough
4 points Breasts okay. but she better have a job
3 points She needs a job, paid-up car, and DVD burner
2 points She better have two jobs, family money, and a great face.
1 point An alien force has taken control of your mind; seek refuge in another country
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A BREAST CHECKLIST
  1. Examine the bosoms under full-light conditions (does not include candles, moonlight, or colored light bulbs) and note the appearance of hair on the areola or red welts indicating plucking of areola hair, moles or warts, networks of blue veins, stretch marks.
  2. Moisten nipples, then blow on them to make sure they erect properly. Do you like the way they look?
  3. Do you honestly like the shape of her breasts? The color of her nipples?
  4. Will she do strenuous exercises to keep her pectoral muscles in tone?
  5. In the unlikely event that it would become necessary to save your marriage, would she consent to cosmetic breast surgery?
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HER PERSONALITY
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At the Party  No Personality Too Much Personality 
She wears a...  coat. slit skirt, no panties. 
She drinks...  Pepto-Bismol. Heinekens with a Chivas chaser.
During cocktails she... sits in the car. asks the waiter if he's ever fucked a U. of Colorado grad. 
At dinner she...  chokes on a piece of meat. announces that the oysters looks like a part of her body, and invites the host to take the first guess.
After dinner she... sits in the kitchen with the help and tells them she feels ugly and won't blame them if they hate her, because she hates herself. does a Grace Jones impression and tells the hostess the joke about the football player who spikes the baby. 
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HER GENITALS
As important as they are, oddly enough, they don't change that much, and it's very difficult to get a bad set. Since the criteria for judging the beauty of female genitals are so very low, you will have to find a deformity case or a hermaphrodite to marry an ugly set. Children will affect the muscle force and grip factor, but, overall; what you see now is what you'll see for many years. The downy covering of youth will give way to something hairy and coarse, but space-age cosmetic science has developed several safe and effective ways to keep genital hair at a reasonable level. The only real red flag is if your fiancée has a very low personal grooming standard or a feminine-organ malfunction.
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TAKE A SECOND LOOK!
You've admired the paint job, you've kicked the tires, but have you looked under the hood? Take a good long look at her and make sure you haven't missed a colony of hairy moles in her armpit.
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Example A 
 
First glance
Example B 
 
A closer look.
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BEWARE!
Beware of the girl who's holding it in! There are many fat women in the theme bars and office pools who are passing as thin women only through extraordinary devotion to grueling exercise programs and dangerous diets. Once these women get married, they'll have to let go and become what they really are --- huge, fat pie wagons who will feel no compunction about wearing black slacks and a blouse to the beach. They never lose this weight and will add another twenty or thirty pounds with each child. These gals are very clever and often manage to snare  nice-looking men. They go right into childbirth , home mortgage and furniture investment, so that when the metamorphosis from slender to zeppelin is complete, the husband is too heavily invested, emotionally and financially, to get out. You can avoid getting hitched to one of these latent behemoths through early detection.
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The Five Signs of Future Fat
  1. All of her clothing is too tight. She is struggling to keep in a size she outgrew long ago.
  2. Short legs and waddling gait
  3. She insists on total darkness for sex.
  4. Her hair looks fabulous. She is concentrating on the one part of her body that will not get fat.
  5. She eats the lime in her Perrier water.
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HER MIND
Phi Beta Kappas are swell, but they can't cook and they don't make the leap from quantum physics to the ironing board with much grace. All you should want from a girl is enough sense to manage the house, hold a decent job, and not embarrass you at a dinner party by asking the British ambassador if her dress makes her look fat. Here is a simple intelligence test for prospective brides.
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Question:
"What is at the core of our current problems with Mexico?"
If she answers: "I just love this song, turn it up! Ooooo, I love the nightlife!"
She is a dumbass.
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If she answers: "You haven't phrased the question very well. Are you referring to the natural gas pricing debacle or the general ill feeling toward the Yanqui?"
She is a smartass.
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If she answers: "We're not very nice to them; let's fuck, then I'll make you dinner and vacuum out your car:"
Don't wait for the wedding. Elope and buy her anything she wants.
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HER FAMILY
Unless you have the good fortune to marry an orphan, your bride will be but the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the total marriage package. In fact, she may represent as little as 20 percent of what you actually marry. After the honeymoon, you will have to face the fact that all those miserable swine in wild suits who made your wedding reception such a forgettable experience are now family.
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Evaluate Her Relatives
Step 1
Find out how many there are, where they live, what they do for a living, how likely they are to need money or a place to stay.
Step 2
Check with police to see if any of her family have been involved in organized crime or have committed crimes. Try to determine if there are any unsavory characters in her family who could surface and embarrass you, should you get famous, rich, or elected to public office.
Step 3
Ask yourself, "Are her brothers and sisters the type of people I want my children to call aunt and uncle? If both she and I were killed, would I want my children raised by her parents?"
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SPECIAL CONSIDERATION: THE ONLY CHILD
Be aware that if you marry an only child, you will be solely responsible for the care and keeping of her parents when they reach their senior years. In conventional families, an unmarried sister or brother takes the parents, and the other family members contribute to the upkeep bill, or they all kick in enough to send the parents to a trailer park in Sarasota. But with the only child, there is no one to share the burden, so you must bear it alone. At worst, it could mean adding an apartment to your present dwelling and having a pair of sour old people peeking in on you for the rest of their lives (be reminded that living with a real family is a wonderful elixir for the elderly, and they often hang on for years longer than anybody would have thought). At best, it will mean writing checks, and visiting an old-folks home on holidays, and lying to your wife about how happy her parents seemed. Don't be fooled by prenuptial assurances that her parents have pensions and savings and that their future is taken care of. Whatever they have put away, it isn't enough. In twenty years, thirty thousand of their dusty old dollars may not be enough to buy a six-pack of Maalox.
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HER OFFSPRING
Is there anyone in 
her family who 
looks like this?		 Or This?
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HER HEALTH
It seldom occurs to the man in love that his fiancée could be struck down by a cruel disease he thought only existed in made-for-TV movies. Nor does he think that she could be a miserable whiner who catches bugs like a frog. It's a wise groom who does his homework and peeks into her medical history. A simple way to get a bead on what sort of health her family enjoys is to bring up the subject in a casual dinner conversation with the family.
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Sample Dialogue
You: The pork roast is superb, Mrs. Franklin! Oh, that reminds me. What did Kathi's grandparents die of?
Mrs. Franklin: Bumpsy died of stomach cancer, and, let's see ... Poppy Charles died of tuberculosis.
Mr. Franklin: There is a load of cancer on my mother's side. Dad had Parkinson's. Now, Kathi's Grandma and Grandpa Twilley both had congenital heart trouble and Hodgkins, which is a real coincidence, to find people from two separate families with that combination!
Kathi: Well, who had Lou Gehrig's disease, then?
Mrs. Franklin: Auntie Carol and Uncle Raymond and, I think ...
You: Can you excuse me? I have to go make a long phone call. Ill see you all in a week or so.
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It's also good policy to encourage your fiancée to have all non-emergency medical problems remedied before the wedding. Many fathers of attractive daughters hold off on such things as dental work, glasses, cosmetic surgery, etc., in hopes that the new husband will have it done at his expense. Fool him and hold out.
Also, you should find out how your girl stands up under pain. Girls have an extraordinary talent for blowing up common ailments like colds and blisters into major illnesses. You can usually judge if your fiancée is a wimpy whiner by the way she handles menstruation. Does she stay home from work when she has her period? Does she require special treatment and favors, like help getting in and out of automobiles? Does her period last more than a week? More than a month?
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QUICKIE PELVIC EXAM
At some point before the wedding, include in one of your romantic interludes a pelvic exam. Although you will be doing things her gynecologist does, the context in which you do them will confuse her. However, be certain that you are tender and gentle and that you kiss her occasionally and refrain from referring to her clitoris as her "glans clitordis."
Step 1
Inspect the external genitals for discoloration, bumps and swellings, unusual hair distribution, or lice. Give her a hug and tell her you love her.
Step 2
Insert your middle finger into her vagina. Lovingly ask her to cough, and test her stress incontinence (involuntary flow of urine during laughter, sneezing, or coughing). Check for Bartholin cysts, and measure the strength of her pelvic-floor muscles (AKA Hong Kong fuck muscles). Nibble her ear and caress her breasts in a circular motion from the nipple outward to include the entire breast, and note any lumps or growths.
Step 3
When she is sufficiently aroused , insert your index finger as well. Note the size, shape, and position of her ovaries, uterus, and tubes. Be on the alert for any growths or inflammations. Palpate her uterus and see if it causes her discomfort.
Step 4
Concentrate on her clitoris until her hips begin to move in an automatic fashion and her back arches and she begins to breathe heavily through her nose and mouth accompanied by head thrashing and guttural groaning. Promise her a house and a baby, then withdraw your index finger from her vagina and rapidly insert it into her rectum. As quickly as possible, determine the tone and alignment of her pelvic organs and adnexal region. Note any lesions. As she struggles, gauge the tone of her rectal sphincter muscle.
Step 5
Discuss any negative findings with a gynecologist or consult a women's-organization hotline.
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SEX
Basic rule: She will learn to cook, but not to fuck.
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The real issue of premarital sex is how she does it and how often she does it.
The food gets better but not the sex; so if you don't like it now, you'll hate it later. If she's good, keep in mind that it might just be her drive for the diamond that's motivating her and once she's settled down and comfy she may lock up the cookie jar forever.
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Reading the Sex Fake
The sex fake is a romantic ploy designed to confuse men. It makes women seem sexier than they really are. It's a marvelous tool for maximizing impact  without increasing output. It is a deep, probing kiss that  curls your toes. It's a spontaneous handjob with cocoa butter that makes you forget that you were going to ask for a blowjob. It is a moist hand that you think is a mouth. It is thirty seconds of foreplay that feels like an hour.
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Question:
If she uses the sex fake on me and I'm satisfied, what difference does it make?
Answer:
Theoretically, it makes no difference, except that the sex fake is too demanding and time-consuming to pull off for a lifetime. Generally speaking, it ceases on the Monday following the conclusion of the honeymoon. That's when you'll find out what you really married, and, of course, by then it'll be too late to turn around.
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THE MANIPULATIVE SKILLS OF THE SEX FAKE
A Sample Dialogue
Jim: Remember what you said last night? That we could fuck tonight?
Jill: I don't remember that.
Jim: Sure, you said...
Jill: Kiss me. [Pause.]
Jim: Let's do it okay?
Jill: Just lay beside me and ... Why do you have to grab at me all the time? Can't you just appreciate me for myself?
Jim: I'm sorry, but I want to fuck, is there anything wrong with that?
Jill: No, of course not. You're so selfish! Oh! Forget it! Take out your thing and I'll hold it. Come on!
Jim: This isn't the way I wanted .. But ... [Pause]
Jim: Ah! That feels so good. [Pause]
Jim: Could you move your hand up and down. Sort of?
Jill: Why don't you tell me how to do everything?
Jim: I'm sorry.
Jill: You take all the fun out of it. [Pause]
Jim: I 'II go like a bunny. [Pause]
Jim: Want me to hold yours?
Jill: Jim! You said you were going to hurry! You're taking forever! Are you thinking about another girl? You are!
Jim: No, I'm not!
Jill: Yes, you are! Take me home!
Jim: No, please! No! There's no one else!
Jill: Yes, there is! You can put that disgusting thing back in your pants and drive me home! I don't want to see it as long as I live!
Jim: Please, you have to listen to me! There is no one else!
Jill: Okay, maybe I believe you. Why don't we go get something to eat, and we can talk and straighten this out.
Jim: You mean it? Thanks. I'm sorry.
Jill: You should be. I'm more than a sex machine, you know. All I do is fuck, fuck, fuck! I have a brain, you know!
Jim: I know you do. I'm so sorry. I'm just an asshole, I guess.
Jill: Yes, you are, but I love you and I can't wait to get married. It'll be lots and lots of fun. Boy, am I hungry!
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GIVEAWAY LINES
1.  I want to do it, but I have my period. Damn! I'm so horny!
2.  After we're married, I'll be more comfortable. Right now I'm real uptight. And it isn't exactly romantic in a car, you know. Can you understand that! I love you.
3.  Would it be okay if we didn't do it just this one time?

Is It a Real Orgasm?
The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the outer third of the vagina at 8-second intervals (the contractions follow the beat of the song "Surfin' USA"). Unless these contractions occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
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A WORD ABOUT NUNS AND WHORES
There are two groups of women who do not bother with the sex fake. They are nuns and whores. You don't want to marry either. You'll know if you have a nun on the line by her absolute insistence on maintaining the virginity of her wazoo, her mouth, her breasts, her hands, her eyes, and her handkerchiefs. You'll love her wit and intelligence; she'll be as sweet as peaches, kind as all get-out, and a pal and a half. But she will drive you berserk. You'll never convince her to have reasonable sex on a regular basis, and the only way you'll get her pregnant is to beat off in her bathwater.

A whore is easily identified by the number of compliments you get on her from friends, family, and total strangers. She'll think up things to do that you will think are sick. She'll put out and put out and put out. Even if you're not around, she'll put out and put out and put out. If you so much as stumble on the career path, she'll be gone like spit on a skillet. And you'll never know how much of your paycheck is going for gifts to tennis studs and UPS delivery men. She cannot and will not cook, clean, or give a fly's patoot about anything north of your dick, or south of your wallet.
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HER MAINTENANCE HABITS
The Strip Test
Women are amazingly adept at concealing flaws. The more skilled a woman is at making up her face, the better her wardrobe, the keener her accessory sense, the greater the probability that she is hiding something. What you must do at the outset of a serious relationship is get an accurate picture of what she has and what she doesn't have. This is best accomplished during an overnight stay. As she sleeps, you will have an excellent, opportunity to study each facial region at length .You'll be able to lift up bangs and see what's underneath, check to see if her eyelashes are real and smell her as she really smells. In the morning, position yourself outside the shower, so that when she emerges washed clean of foundations and blush-on, you'll get a good look at the naked truth. If she lives at home with her parents and an overnight stay is impossible, try to get her to take a nap. Make sure you schedule a very early Sunday morning, unannounced, breakfast drop-in, or get her to a swim party and hose her down for a clean look.
 
 
With Eyebrow Plucking
Without Eyebrow Plucking
With Facial, Sloughing, Toner, Moisturizing, Pore Shrinking, Sealer, Base, Highlighter, Lip Gloss, Lip Liner, Eyeliner, Eye Shadow, Mascara, Eyelashes, and Blush-on. 
Without Facial, Sloughing, Toner, Moisturizing, Pore Shrinking, Sealer, Base, Highlighter, Lip Gloss, Lip Liner, Eyeliner, Eye d Shadow, Mascara, Eyelashes, and Blush-on. 
With Hydrogen Peroxide
Without Hydrogen Peroxide
 
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AFTER YOU RENT YOUR TUXEDO...
Make sure you make emergency arrangements with an out-of-town friend for accommodations in the event you get to the church and decide, for whatever reason, that this marriage isn't for you, because there will be a lot of people looking for you, among them:  
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A FINAL NOTE...
When the inevitable end of your marriage comes...and it will, sooner or later, remember these words from that wise sage, Robert Blake (TV's Baretta):

"Bullets are cheaper then lawyers."